I'm trying to work with Nicolas on a speech for Boy Scouts. We read about volcanoes together. We talked about all the points we wanted to include in his speech. I've done the bulk of the writing because that's often easier in a situation like this. He dictates to me quite often. So, he starts reading me his paper on volcanoes and we are hung up on one word. Just one. He can read the entire page but this one word just sticks him every time.

Magma.

Sweet Jesus, I about lose all sense of reason when we get stuck like this and I know he is trying. I know he can read that word but the only way to describe it is that it gets stuck in his head and he can't process it.

He keeps saying Magmum.

Some days I am such a rotten teacher because I just don't have patience for this. I can hear him saying to himself, over and over again, "Magma, magma, magma, magma, magma..." and then he reads it and says magmum. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

It was like this when he was learning his alphabet. It took him 3 years with daily help from specialists and he still couldn't lock down those letters with their names/sounds. Not only is he dyslexic but he has a short term memory loss which prevents him from seeing an E and remembering that it's an E. That is how things like Magma can trip him up completely from time to time. He can read ERUPTION and DANGEROUS and VOLCANOES but he just can't make his mouth say MAGMA.

His learning disabilities can be such a frustration and I just want to be patient, but it is hard!

Lord help me... help him.

I'd also like to take a minute to introduce you to my IRL friend, Mandie. This girl, she lives in my neighborhood. She is a beautiful person, being obedient to her Father, while she shares her story of pain and redemption through Jesus. She tells it raw and keeps it real. Christians need to hear this. Please visit her blog and leave her with your thoughts - surely you'll be blessed by her.

Jesus in Shantytown

p.s. I recommend starting and the beginning and reading in reverse - it won't take too long.

I'm knee deep in the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It was no surprise to me that my husband and I speak very different love languages and that we were missing out as a result. As marriages go, I think we have a pretty good one. Still, there is room for improvement. A few weeks ago I was visiting with friends and we started talking about this subject and I realized I wasn't sure what my love language is. After tossing around ideas I came to be pretty sure mine must be Acts of Service and Steve's was either Physical Touch or Words of Affirmation. This is a great book. I highly recommend this book to... everyone :)

A few things really stood out to me while I've been reading this.

Inside every child is an emotional tank waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty love tank.

I wrote this in my journal after reading that, "This makes me think of Nick and it makes me sad. He is so much like me. Someone missed what I needed when I was a kid and somehow we must be missing his need. I'm excited to fill his tank."

I still don't know what his language is but I'm determined to find out. I'm planning to get the childrens version of 5LL if I can't figure it out with this version. I am eager to learn what love language each of my children speak so that I can speak it to them well.

I really think Words of Affirmation is Steve's top love language, but it might be paired with Physical Touch. I haven't had a chance to read about Physical Touch yet. This is what I wake up to every single day. This morning I really listened and tried to memorize the whole thing.

"I love you. I really love you, K. I love touching you. I love being next to you. I wish I could lie in bed with you all day. It was 10 years ago today that I was making plans to meet you. I love you so much."

The entire time my husband is rubbing my back, my sides, everything. He gets so close to me and just pours his love all over me. This is how I wake up every day.

Yeah, I know... I'm lucky. I got myself a good man :)

I think it is very sweet and I do like to hear how he loves me. I would miss it if he ever stopped this habit but it is not my love language. It does not "fill my love tank" so to speak. I have a friend whose tank would be overflowing if she woke up to this every day. She would be the most confident, fulfilled woman in town. She would float through the labors of her day - filled with peace. She would feel loved and treasured and she would speak this language back fluently.

After reading about Words of Affirmation, I read about Quality Time. Wow. This whole chapter spoke to me in a profound way. I started second guessing my assurance that Acts of Service is my love language. The author poses a fill in the blank question.

I feel most loved by my husband when:

My answer is, I feel most loved by my husband when he makes my priorities his priorities. This answer came to me effortlessly. It just popped into my head. The curious thing is that often those priorities are just for his time and attention. Other times they are for things I want done around the house or with the kids. At the end of each chapter there are many ideas for how a spouse could start speaking that language to their spouse. There is no question, I would feel very loved if Steve were to implement those ideas.

Don't get me wrong, I know I am loved by my husband - deeply, passionately, without question. He shows me and tells me multiple times a day. I am loved by him so completely. Still, at some point I would like to share this book with him and I hope our marriage can be richer for it.

I am also intent on learning to speak his language to him better and I am currently seeking to speak his language to him sincerely, as best as I can do it naturally.

This morning I was talking with Matthew asking his to finish sentences for me. I worked the sentence above into my questions after what his favorite kind of cookie is (M&M). He said "at Christmas". I asked him why and he said, because it is Jesus' birthday. Then I reworded it a little, "When do you feel most loved by mommy and daddy?" He said, "When we have family meals together." At 6 years old he told me his love language is time spent together.

I later asked Christian the same question. His responses, "Chocolate Chip" and "When we spend time together." Do we teach our children to speak our own language? I'm so curious as to what my language is. I'm leaning more and more towards Quality Time but I still need to read about Acts of Service.

Yesterday I bought Nicolas a new journal. I'm going to write a few questions in there and work this question in. Maybe he will be able to tell me himself what his love language is. I know, without question, that Gabriel is Quality Time as well. He will often forgo playing with his brothers to "snuggle wuggle" with me. He often just wants to hang out with me.

So, I just asked Gabriel the question. He grabbed my face, got really close, and said, "When I am your #1 love and when you tell me you love me the most." I know what you are thinking... but I do love that boy like crazy. I call him my #1 love all the time but when pressed I explain that Jesus, my husband and my kids are my #1 loves. He loves me to tell him that he is my #1 love. Maybe, just maybe, Words of Affirmation is his love language. I asked him if he liked me to give him "Baber's Specials" or tell him I love him more and he said telling him is better. Baber's Special's are special big kisses he gives me all the time. I love learning new things about my kids.

If you are interested in purchasing this fabulous book, it's on sale right now for a bargain price of $7.99 here. It is also half off ($7.99) right now at Family Christian Stores.

Join me if you will and answer this question: I feel most loved by my husband/wife when...

Happy 2010! After today's rant, I plan to get back to normal blogging. Soon.

I've been stewing for a few days on something and I want to let it out somewhere. Right now, I'm okay with sharing this here. I've toyed with the idea for a few days and have decided to go ahead. If I think better of this in the future I will delete it.

I have 3 sisters. One step-sister, Stephanie, and 2 half sisters. I've never considered any of my sisters to be anything but "my sisters". I have loved them all. I'm wondering if love can become conditional? Over time and with distance and with lack of relationship. I'd love to hear thoughts on this. I think it has.

I really don't have the relationship I'd like to have with any of my sisters though I am closest with Kimberly, my youngest sister. She has made special efforts to build relationships with myself and my family. She has shown us love and care. I love her sweet spirit and hope that over the years our friendship/sisterhood grows deep roots.

My sister Christine and I have a good but sometimes awkward relationship. It isn't for lack of love but maybe for lack of understanding each other. She is young and very busy with her own life - we just aren't super close but we get along well and we do enjoy each other.

My sister Stephanie. We have nothing. Nothing, but my total irritation with her. We have nothing in common and if we were to meet on the street we would not be friends. That is really sad to me. Or, maybe, that used to be sad to me. Now, I'm not sure exactly what I would call how I feel about that. We could not be more opposite unless she was black.

I am a committed follower of Christ.
She is a secular humanist.

I am a devoted homemaker.
She is devoted career woman.

I have 4 children, would consider it a great blessing to have 4 more.
She has one and would probably claw her eyes out if she had 4.

I am fiercely conservative and not at all politically correct when it comes to social and moral issues.
I think she mentioned tears of joy on the day Obama was inaugurated.

I hate abortion.
She would hate to lose the right.

I am passionate about spending as much of my free time with my hubs and children as possible.
She is passionate about spending as much time as she can on her personal hobbies.

She is a vegetarian.
I love to eat meat.

She maybe weighs 100 lbs.
I weighed 100 lbs in 6th grade.

I have told her I love her and value our relationship countless times over the years.
She has never said the same thing to me.

Do you get the gist of it? I could go on and on but what's the point? We have nothing in common. That in itself isn't a deal breaker but the fact that we speak once every 2 years or so and that she has no desire to develop a relationship is.

I've known this to be the way it is for many years and have tried to keep in contact with her through facebook and email. A few months back my aunt posted something snarky on a picture of she and I (not about her) and she deleted me from her Facebook account. I was so surprised and had deleted the offensive comment as soon as I had a chance. I emailed her and recommended she block my aunt instead of myself if necessary. I told her how I valued our FB relationship because it was a way for me to stay in touch and hear more about her life. She added me back as a friend.

A week ago I received a message on FB that said "If you continue to tag me in photos I will remove your access as a friend." My step-mom (her mom) had been posting lots of pictures of us and I tagged us and our cousins in our family pictures. I'm very careful about tagging people. I didn't see it as a problem with Stephanie as most of the pictures I had seen of her were photos she had been tagged in. And, obviously when I saw her note, my response was to comply with her wishes. I was turned off some by her email - not addressing me or even asking me to stop. She's always been quite bossy but it was just a crappy way to say, "Please don't tag me in family photos". When I tried to reply to her I couldn't link to her page. Not only did she un-friend me - she blocked me!

I emailed her and she never responded. It has been a week. Today I noticed that she has also blocked my children, her nephews. That, quite frankly, ticks me off. As far as I am concerned, she doesn't want a relationship with my family and I'm fine with that. There is no part of me that wants anything to do with her anymore and for that I feel sort of badly. Part of me feels like I'm poorly reflecting Christ to her. I know she is committed to a lifestyle where she is only accountable to herself. She has openly told me she doesn't believe in God. I don't think her mom even knows this. It's not that she believes in God but doesn't want to conform her will to his. She doesn't believe he exists. My sister is going to go to Hell, unless He gets a hold of her somehow. That's really sad. Should I feel like continuing to try to be Jesus to her? I don't know. I feel no love for her. I feel really sorry for her and my nephew and for the path they are on. I hate that they are separated from Christ. It grieves me - but no differently than that my neighbor is separated from Christ. She is a stranger to me. She isn't even a friend. Am I wrong to close this door and not look back? I'd love feedback if I have any readers left.

Thursday Thirteen - Edition B

Inspired by Ace who gives credit to Kimber

1. Boys - I have 4 of them. I never would have expected to have 4 boys. I still don't understand them all the time but I sure love to love them.

2. Bugs - not a big fan of bugs... especially the slimy types. i have an irrational fear of slugs which technically are not bugs but the word bugs made me think of how much i hate slugs... and on another note, wonka candies is now selling gummy slugs called "sluggles"... GROSS!

3. Buckeyes - I can't wait to make lots of yummy buckeyes on Christmas baking day. I love them! And, my hubs likes Ohio State football because though we live in Michigan, he can't stand UofM.

4. Bras - I have a love/hate relationship with the bra. Do they really have to cost $50 a piece??? And, my husband tells me he is going bra shopping with me next time which means he'll pick out really, really impractical bras and expect me to actually wear them every day. Ugh.

5. Best Friends - make life more fun.

6. Basement - mine is a mess.

7. Blue - Gabriel and his Daddy's favorite color and I like it too. But not as much as pink.

8. Bunkhouse - what I really, really want. This is an area of discontent for me and I can't even honestly say that I'm trying to be more content. I want a four bunk camping trailer we can take on the road for extended periods of time. I know money can't buy happiness but that trailer would make me VERY happy.

9. Bread - i love bread. forget atkins :P

10. Bedding - i have a think for luxurious bedding and my kids have bled or peed on every single blanket in our house. It's sort of enough to make me crazy.

11. Brothers - Behold how good and pleasant it is for brothers to dwell in unity ~ Psalm 133:1

12. Beans - i love them. always have. yummmmmmmy!

13. Bible - i need to read my bible more.

Thank you, Jesus, for:

giving me breath today
for nicolas and the things i am learning as i parent him
for christian who loves me so much that it makes him hop when he tells me
for matthew who is extra close to me
for gabriel being 4 for a few more days
for my husband who is more than i deserve
for my mother who has a tender heart for people
for my father who i've admired all my life
for my cousin katrina and her simple goodness
for ian, who makes her life better
for my grandma who passed away 15 years ago, i miss her today
for my grandpa who passed away during prayers of thanksgiving
for my sister christine who wanted to work in the kitchen with me
for my sister kimberly who makes extra efforts to show love to my family
for my sister stephanie who challenges me
for my brother david and the healing of past hurts
for my mil, judy, for being so full of love for us
for my grandmother and our long conversations
for misty, my tried and true friend who gets me even when we disagree
for claire and the close friendship we shared for so long
for mary and jen and steve and bill and margie and for the best summer ever
for bill, that i know he'll make heaven even better
for lisa who took my girl in and gave her a good home
for betsy who introduced me to my husband
for monica and all our adventures. i hope we have more someday.
for carol, and the years our friendship was such a blessing.
for tami and her wonderful, helpful, giving spirit. she makes volunteering fun.
for the blik family and their servant hearts.
for cara being a great neighbor and friend and how she can really make me laugh.
for cindy and the friendship we've built mothering our boys
for angie and how she has blessed my life.
for rachel and our treasured friendship as sisters and all the richness of it.
for margie and the years when it was just the 3 of us
for the dalton family, that they became my own family so many years ago
for tcc and the blessings we had as members there for several years
for artie's christmas eve sermon that speaks to my heart each year
for bethany and the opportunity to love a stranger that turned out so sweetly.
for grandma maciejewski and the years in her care
for brad in margie's life
for dr. wilcox who has made a huge difference in mine
for not taking my parents from me yet
for jim fixing our front window
for keeping us safe for so long
for not answering so many prayers for things i was sure i needed/wanted
for audrey and for time and that she brought so much love
for a baby and a photo that gives hope
for miracles that happen
for healing hurts
for time given
for love that makes life rich
for lynny and the blessings of our friendship
for kevin and understanding him
for jilli and all her delicious girlyness (that apparently isn't a word)
for babers specials
for nick's cheeks
for his dimples
for smallest of all and his pleasing spirit
for the tender moments in parenting
for the many ways the boys make us laugh
for boys sleeping in my room and how it makes me feel like they are safer
for the way steve loves so completely
for his job
for scouts
for friendships made over the years
for being able to stay home with my kids
for freedom, today, to homeschool
for freedom, today, to reject harmful treatments and vaccines
for the freedom, today, to worship freely
for the freedom, today, to have many children
for each and every life saved from abortion
for closing clinic doors
for the changing of hearts
for our country and the principals it was founded on
for gas in my car
for food in my pantry
for food in my fridge
for food stuffing my freezers full
for the blessing of being able to throw away the cranberry sauce that fell
for knowing we have food to eat tomorrow
for the ability to help others
for rachel and the amazing recovery you made in her life.
for a body that works well
for healthy children
for shame because it draws me near to you
for comforts that i don't deserve and that i mostly take for granted
for blessings i can't even think of to count
for my home that i mostly complain about and for your purpose in keeping us here
for giving me a heart that literally hurts for other people
for waking me today with a pain for the homeless and suffering today
for answers to some of my many questions
for wisdom when i really, really need it
for helping me to provide for my family
for colors
for imagining all the colors in heaven. 3 primary colors here, countless more there.
for granny miller
for the ability to learn
for books that suck me in and make me feel deeply
for movies that entertain
for games that we can play together
for years of spite and malice with my grandmother
for her puzzle table and chafing dish
for her rhinestone bookmark
for all my memories of her
for music that moves me
for caring about the little things
for good shoes
for finding a pair of socks
for camping and times spent together
for every time you allow us to go to The Lodge
for the thrill of taking off on a vacation
for pictures and memories
for fabrics that make me happy
for good thread
for 4 different sewing scissors
for totes on sale to organize my life
for talents you've given me
for my rings that i love
for my blue purse
for premier and how i feel when i'm there
for my serger and my sewing machine and all the joy and ease they bring my life
for helping me plan ahead so this year i have gifts to give
for totes full of fabric ready to be made into beautiful things
for they way Sharon encouraged my love of crafts so many years ago
for claw foot tubs
for overstuffed furniture that i don't have but i might someday
for plush towels
for warm bedding
for candles
for oil lamps
for my bike
for popcorn in abundance
for cats that snuggle up with us even though they annoy me sometimes
for christian not being hurt more by the dog that bit him
for grace literally poured out over my life
for forgiving me over and over and over and over again when i'm foolish & worldly
for forgetting my sins when you forgive me. Thank You, Jesus.
for blood and water that flowed for me
for loving us so much that you paid a price i wouldn't have been able to endure
for knowing you will win this battle in the end
for eternity with you

***I could go on and on but this was a nice way to spend some time reflecting today. Praying the Lord's blessings on all of you today.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thursday Thirteen is a blog thingy that Ace participates in each week. Seeing as the dishes aren't done yet and I'm not cooking yet and I'm feeling a little lazy, I'm going to join in. I may not remember to do this each week but I'll give it a go. Best I can tell is that you work your way through the alphabet and when it's done, it's done. I'd be really excited if someone else joined me - because obviously it doesn't take much to excite me.

Apples - Apple season thrills me. We've had an unreal apple season here this year and many farmers are practically giving away their apples. There are thousands acres of unpicked apples because there are so many and no where to store them. It's shocking. Thankful I was able to get so many beautiful, perfect apples this year.

Airplanes - My husband works with airplanes and our kids think that is so cool. I think the flight benefits are cool but we never go anywhere. Bummer.

Answers - I think I have all the answers. ha ha ha ha ha

Abigail Grace - The name for our daughter that we never had. The daughter I know and love. I had such hopes for she and I. I still hope... someday...

Alpha Omicron Pi - A sorority house at GVSU that I lived in. Good times :)

Auggie - Steve's corgi that came with the husband and the house. We put him down the day after Mothers Day 2002. He was a quirky dog.

Ann Taylor - A lifetime ago, when I had money and didn't have 4 children, I bought all my clothes at Ann Taylor. I really loved shopping there.

"A" is kind of hard.

Alphabet - Nicolas is severely dyslexic and has short term memory loss. It took him 4 years to learn his alphabet. He had special services working with him daily and it still took him 4 years. That's a long time and really made reading so hard for him.

Audrey Caroline - Audrey Caroline, the sweet girl loved deeply by thousands who know her through her Mama's blog. It is one of my favorite blogs.

Art - One of my favorite subjects in school - I loved art all my life. My dad is an artist and I wanted to be like him when I was a kid. I wish I could still take art classes. Actually, yesterday I was on the Kendall College of Art & Design website looking at classes and realizing that no way could I do that. They are SO expensive. But, there is a glimmer of hope that we can sign Nicolas up for some. He too loves art. I just wish most class options were more mainstream art and not make your own video games, drawing manga, fun with digital audio, and internet cartoons. Seriously? What about actual art techniques. The only one that Nick could do and enjoy is the oil painting class. Sort of frustrating. We're raising a generation of kids who won't know the basics.

Allowance - We don't give our kids an allowance. I wish I had an allowance.

Auntie - It's what my kiddos call their aunts. Auntie Kimber and Auntie Christine. I called my aunts that when I was a kid too.

Anger - Sometimes I really struggle with anger. I hate that. I'm learning to just shut my mouth more but the problem is that I still think it. I wish I didn't get angry about things so easily.